Junk Food 4th of July 2020


Happy 4th of July! Am I allowed to still say that? Who knows...

Anyhow another holiday is upon us, which most importantly brings more junk food. And by more, I of course mean the same stuff, but now recolored in glorious RED WHITE & BLUE. Best of all, you can take part even if you're not from the USA. If you are from the UK, Taiwan, Australia, Chile, Cuba, Czech, Faroe Islands, France, Iceland, Liberia, Netherlands, Norway, Paraguay, or Thailand, then you can dump the candy out and make your own flag. Even Russia and North Korea can get in on the fun. If you're not from those places, well I'm not sure what to say. I guess just talk quietly amoungst yourselves until the rest of the class is done.

Boom! Here's what I found without too much hunting. Most was at the grocery store, but a stray trip to CVS rounded out the drastically missing Skittles. I'm honestly not sure if this would have been worth it without those. I was missing Twinkies and Rice Crispies, but I can work without those. Pop Tarts too, but I'm okay forgoing that. I'm not a huge fan of eating drywall. I did see some other things like Snickers with a different label, but I didn't see the point. The presentation would be sorely lacking once the wrapper came off. Sorry if that hit too close to home for too many of you.

M&Ms: a classic. From its wartime use as a candy that won't melt quickly, to its modern day consumption for the same reason, it's remained a constant staple. Since there's no flavouring here aside from chocolate, we're just left with some recolored coating. Contrary to the slogan, those candied exteriors do melt a bit and end up staining your fingers. However with one of them being white this time, it's reduced by 33%. I call that a win.

Skittles goes with the same motif, but rest assured, it's not a simple color swap. We have five flavours, all of which are berries. My lack of research precludes me from seeing if this is a swap out from existing berry lineups, but I really couldn't tell most of the berries apart anyhow. Yumberry is interesting though. I haven't really heard of that before. I suppose I could look it up, but I feel it is best left as a mystery.

I haven't had Mike & Ike in ages, but I like the presentation here. The candies form rockets flying through the sky, leaving only Old Glory in their wake. New meaning to Patriot Missile, I reckon. We once again have some new flavours. They are spun into summer treats perfect for a picnic. Two are related to pies, and the final is the Vanilla Ice Cream that goes on top. That vanilla one is the most noticeable, but tastes more like a cake than anything else. Compared to the box art, the candies are not quite as perfectly formed in real life, but they certainly fit the bill as a suppository replica. Maybe they'll fight the war on terror in your gut after a bad night of Taco Bell. Only one way to find out.

The Sour Patch Kids only came in this ginormous duffel bag sized container. I wished there had been a smaller one, since I'm uncertain what I'll do with all of these. I'm probably going to ask that same question with the rest of my pickups in any case. The Sour Patch logo could have done with a color change as well, but maybe it has to be that way, else the marketing team will throw a fit. Best not to get on their bad side. They're probably re-flavoured too, but I just ate a pound of them, and I can't physically get out my chair now. Please send help, or a crane.

White Chocolate is simply gross. There's really no way around it. Cookie 'n' Cream isn't high on my list either, but I think these were meant to be solely for the purpose of creating s'mores, as hinted by the graham cracker floating ominously over in the corner, silently begging to have its existence validated. And what's with those knock off Oreos? They look like toy truck wheels or something equally inedible. Regardless, the so-called chocolate does pretty much taste as it should. If that's your thing, than you will most likely enjoy them, but I will still judge you for it.

See, I knew those Hershey's faux-Oreos were knockoffs. Nabisco makes the real ones. Or perhaps all the companies are the same, joined by the Illuminati, and it doesn’t make a difference. Somewhere out in a dark forest, the CEOs are chanting around a bonfire making pentagrams out of the cookies so they may appease Moloch or something. Back on topic, these are pretty good. They didn't do anything other than recolor the frosting, but that's a good thing. Plus if you mirror my method of taking two, then throwing out one of the cookie sides to make a single giant Oreo, you end up with six layers and that's not half bad.

I sort of wished I found the Twinkies, since I'm not a fan of these 'cupcakes'. The frosting is dry like it's been reused from last July, and the swirl somehow has even less moisture. See how I was able to break it perfectly in half. No normal cupcake should be able to do that. Granted it makes for a better picture, and I guess for that I should be thankful. Shamefully I still felt the need to eat it after, and this whole article is filling me with much regret.

I don't know who Swirlz is, but they make the candy domestically, so they can't be all that bad. However, I was expecting a multi-colored affair, and instead it was only pink. I'm not sure how they got off labeling it as Stars & Stripes, and then also reaffirming that there were two flavours inside. It was all one bunch, and looked like the usual home insulation that tempts me whenever I refinish a room. I suppose if all else fails, I can live out my dream of eating fiberglass in a safe nurturing environment. At least for now.

Lastly, we have a beverage to wash all this sugar down. Well it's actually just more sugar and didn't do my stomache any favours. Liberty Brew was released last summer, but has made a reappearance. I was able to find it in several locations in both bottle and can format. A while back there was also DEW. S. A., boasting three flavors: Code Red, White Out, and Voltage, all of which were regular options. But with Liberty Brew, they claim 50 flavours, one for each state. I think anyone will simply take this with a grain of salt as the flavours are mostly artificial. My best estimation of taste is along the lines of chewing a handful of gummy bears at once. The waxy aftertaste is dead on.

But let's talk about that box art though. It's fantastic. From left to right, it covers the country. It starts in Hawaii, then the Golden Gate Bridge where the dirty hippies are, the Arizona desert, Liberty Bell, the Capital, and finally the lighthouses in Maine. They even covered the flyover states by simply not mentioning them. Lady Liberty is in a biker gang, torch in hand and a bald eagle in hot pursuit. A barrage of stars blast out in her path ready to knock some sense into anyone who kneels during the anthem. I give this an A+ and I will be framing the box after.

Well there's the 4th of July junk food. I ended up eating a sampling of each, and now I want to die. Chocolate added to sugar, added to gelatin, added to cookies. I think I may throw up now, but at least I'll be throwing up in the most patriotic fashion possible.