Halloween Junkfood - July 2021

Thus continues another installment of Halloween Candy in July. It worked last year, and perhaps a single soul saw the article, so I may as well do it again. It gives me the chance to use the nifty logo above in any case.

This leads me to another point I need to address. With all this Christmas in July nonsense, I feel that Halloween in July makes so much more sense. I can sort of see why Christmas would pop up in the mid-way point of the year, either as a need for some comfort, or more pessimistically, a chance for a little commercialism. But Halloween around the same time, to me, is more about just kicking into high-gear with full intention of not stopping until the Devil’s hour on All Hallow’s Eve (or I suppose…All Hallow’s Day, as it would).

So what is new this year? Well, I’ll tell you what isn’t new. Basically everything that was on last year’s list. I’ve linked to the article to either a) help you see what they are, b) alleviate myself from having to remember, or c) self-promote the e-zine a bit. There’s no wrong answer, unless you assume that they’re all not true. The bloody Hershey Kisses are back, though. That’s all that really matters.

Sour Patch Kids appear twice in this article, but these above are the only ones that differ from the norm. Rather than gummy candies rolled in the sour mixture, we now have lollipops that you must dip manually every time you coat the pop with your saliva. You’re guaranteed to have a fresh dose of citric acid with each lick—enough to kill that owl who keeps track of such things. I’m unsure if these are new for this year, but rest assured, I won’t be researching at all to find out.

Witch’s Brew will forever remind me of the classic Homestarrunner Halloween cartoon—the one where he judges the pumpkin carvings. I’ll link to the episode in question here, and yes, I linked to the Flash version rather than the one on YouTube. That’s just how it is. I also just noticed that Strong Sad’s entry looks a lot like the thumbnail for this article. That was only half-on purpose.

I suppose I should say something about the KitKat bar, but I won’t.

One always needs at least some general Autumn-themed candy just to round out the batch. You generally have two choices: Pumpkin Spice or some sort of Apple, and while I applaud avoiding anything pumpkin for the time being, the flavor here is too subtle to notice. The Oreos from a few years back did a better job, but perhaps subtle isn’t a bad thing here. Either way, one was enough.

Sour Patch Kids are back. Nothing to see here. They’re called the Zombie edition, but unlike (and thankfully) the Skittles of the same name, no flavor changes took place. You get Orange and Purple, which in a bowl might looks nice, but the otherwise we only end up with seasonally themed packaging.

In an ode to the MCU, all the previous incarnations of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have united as one in a giant Halloween Lovers pack. The two main standouts are, of course, the Frankenstein half-and-half and the white ones that I will pretend are Ghostly editions. Maybe they were, and I’m the blind squirrel finding an acorn. The other two are standard issue, but still more calories than you need.

The final offering is a pack of Halloween Shapes, featuring several different types. There are more of the Reese’s candies that aren’t the usual cup-variety, but still taste the same. York tries to follow suit with their Pumpkin shaped Peppermint Patty, but it just ends up looking like a blob. That said, the packaging is wonderful in a non-descript post-summer way. I’ll give all credit to that.

So then we end up with the two chocolate bars. Cookies & Crème is never my favorite to eat, but I do like the fang design. The label alludes to a more defined shape, but apparently you need to expertly chew the negative space out to achieve the proper look in the end, and I can’t see that going to plan. The final ‘normal’ chocolate bar displays the grave of Paul Tergeist. The name implied some sort of German ghost, but the hand poking out from the dirt looks more like a zombie. Maybe it’s a noisy zombie, in which case the claim of ‘quiet neighbors’ on the real estate listing across the street wasn’t being truthful. For shame.