Halloween Junkfood - July 2022

For the third year, we’re diving into the world of Halloween candy releases that—on one hand—exist far too early for most sensibilities, but on the other are just on time for us weirdos. Now you may be saying, “…but the title says July, and it’s August.” And to that, I’ll reply with a rather harsh and judgmental mental retort, but also with a kinder written reply that simply states that I bought these in July and hoped that more would have been released since then to justify the delay.

But none did, so we’ll start off with one of two Kinder releases. The eggs with the toys often get more press, but there are usually a few other options in the form of bars or the like. I guess the example here is more of a figure of sorts, and the Halloween reference is hidden at best. I mean the packaging has the infamous public-access dancing pumpkin man, but other than that the Avengers steal the show for some reason. I don’t have anything against Avengers tie-ins, but it does seems like an odd mashup.

The chocolate is the usual fair, and each of the figures has one of five characters on the wrapper. They went with classic choices, since as far as the MCU goes, only the Hulk is left alive at this point. Spiderman too, but the black costume is an odd choice. Then again on second look, it might be Black Panther, in which case, the whole ‘not being alive’ part takes on a bleaker outlook.

Hershey’s is a safe staple in the candy world. It falls plainly in the grey area where it’s not high end, but it’s also not the artificial wax like Palmer and the majority of Easter ‘chocolate’ (and I use those quotes very much deliberately).

No colors or weird flavors to denote a Halloween edition this time—just some imprints of spooky costume attire. The wrapper states that there are 6 bars in all, and we should try to collect them all. That sounds nice in theory, but collecting foodstuffs is tricky business given the perishable nature of it. Had the wrappers been the collectable item, it would have made more sense, but opening them to find the designs will end in either a melted mess or chocolate bloom down the road.

Dove takes an upward tick in the quality department. Although, I say this mainly because I chose the dark chocolate, and I prefer that to milk chocolate any day. Nothing out of the ordinary otherwise aside from the individual wrappers and a bit of the main bag. The foil has a pumpkin on it, but nothing noteworthy on the chocolate itself.

I did notice the collage of pumpkins, pies, and cornucopias over to the right side of the translucent window, so that’s a decent subtle touch.

These aren’t Halloween related by any stretch, but it’s horror themed, and I’m running out of things that aren’t repeats of prior seasons. Stranger things did have a Halloween tie-in a few seasons back, but this past one was spring break or something. Suppose it’s better than Summer.

Aside from the packaging, there’s nothing different about the candy, although there is a website you can visit. There’s a game, I think, but it wanted an e-mail. I could have used my burner one, but I need to finish this article before we’re closer to September than July. I do like the image of a Sour Patch Kid using some sort of Ghostbuster proton pack to heal the breach into The Upside Down, so that’s something.

As mentioned, the Kinder Eggs are the most prominent product of the brand, each with a toy on one half and some sugar creme on the other. They boast glow-in-the-dark technology for those who missed the boat on being alive in the 80s, and each of the six eggs is outfitted with a different monster design. I’m unsure if the toys inside match the outer packaging, but the main box warns that they may varying, so I wouldn’t put money on it.

If you were hoping that I’d open these and show off the toys, then you will be sorely disappointed. We’ll have to wait until the countdown for that. It’s my ace up the sleeve to ensure that you do!

Now we’re getting a little exotic. This isn’t a Halloween edition, or even seasonally marketed. It’s an import that I could theoretically get any time of the year by paying the final retail price that factors in the transport across the pond and all of the other fees that occur to get some licorice sent over from Germany. I hate black licorice less-so these days, but it’s still not something I could go out of my way to buy.

So why *did* I get these then? Well look at the package. Witches, bats, full moons, pentagrams… It’s the whole deal, and something we’d not see stateside any time soon. I did taste one, and I don’t think I will be eating anymore, but the bag will provide a nice backdrop for future mood tables and Halloween displays. In the end, the food ends up in a leech-field underground, but the designs will persevere.