Super Mario 3 Happy Meals

Nintendo formed the basis for many 90s kids, but I had a somewhat different relationship. I viewed it from afar, always envious and curious. PC gaming and shareware were my drugs of choice…or rather necessity, and the allure of consoles was something out of reach that just never seemed to happen. I did in fact get a regular NES years later with a bunch of hand-me-down games, but I could never get the thing to work. The Game Genie eventually helped a bit. Aside from its game hacking features, the snugger fit of the cartridge seemed to make better contact, so I wasn’t huffing into the lid over and over in a vain attempt to see if something would show up on the TV.

But that was then, and 1990 was now…back then…before. You know what I mean.

The year was fourth grade. I had lofty ambitions of finally getting a Nintendo for myself by starting my own Nintendo fund. Every spare cent went into that, from birthdays to the brief moments when I got an allowance for doing house chores. Those never lasted more than a few weeks, but it all counted, slowly. I’d have discussions with classmates about the games I could play once I finally had the system in my possession. I planned to rent games from the same place that we rented VHS tapes, and the possibilities were endless. I was scolded by someone in class about how that wasn’t feasible, since I needed to own the games to become a MASTER. Our disagreements built until I pile-drove him into the blacktop at recess one day. But in my defense, he used to beat me up a lot over the years, and I sort of lost it. So there’s your lesson on bullying. Violence isn’t the answer, except when it is.

Aside from renting games, I did plan to get the NES that came bundled with Mario and Duck Hunt. Somehow I figured I’d be happy with just those based on the few times I played them at someone else’s house. Never long enough to get sick of them in one sitting mind you, and I desperately wanted to see them through to the end. That would never happen until the dawn of YouTube playthroughs, despite my sincere hopes that the old Super Mario show on TV would just be a video of the entire game. Wishful thinking on my part.

The Nintendo fund met several untimely demises, partially when my parents used it as a punishment tool by taking it away, and partially due to the fact that I never accrued the $100 I needed (and partially due to the Sega Genesis spiraling me into untold confusion and indecision about what console I should ultimately buy).

Thus I ended up without much in the way of actually playing anything, and by fifth grade the PC Master Race stereotypes became real, and anyone who played Nintendo was a slacker degenerate who wasn’t going anywhere in their live. I even went as far as to veto Nintendo as a viable hobby choice in some class project, because ten-year-olds are the worst.

But before I spiraled into madness and unchecked tyranny, a new game was coming out during my period of more starry-eyed wonder. Super Mario 3 (and who knows where part 2 went…not I!) was promised and was also getting the royal red carpet treatment. Treatment of the highest magnitude, which came in the form of a Happy Meal promotion. Not since the 1985 Hot Wheels promotion, which stimulated stay-at-home moms in ways their husbands couldn’t, did we revere the plastic toys and accompanying artwork with such high regard.

We got a total of four different options to randomly hope for: two goodies and two baddies. I only remember getting the Goomba and Koopa, despite finding all the papers year later, so I must have gotten them all at some point. The Goomba was the only actual toy to survive, while the Koopa returned to me via a DinoDrac funpack, and Luigi was from a church flea market or something.

They each had their own gimmick of sorts. Koopa had a pump bladder that made it hop, Luigi was a windup ‘car’ that would zoom off once pulled back, and the Goomba would do a backflip if you got the suction cup to hold for a second (spoiler, you never could). I have no idea what Mario did, so that will be an extracurricular assignment for you after reading this.

The other thing that sent us into wild fits of mania was the fantastic box art that adorned the containers housing the food and toys. Do I have one still to show you? No! But I’ll do the next best thing. See, while I was still in my hopeful phase of being a mega-fan that never actually partook in the fandom, I cut the boxes apart and made my own level mockups on construction paper. It may seem silly, but in a pre-internet era, these were the things that kept us from going stir-crazy. I actually did the same with Ghostbuster toys, in which I drew the figures that I didn’t have and added them to the playsets as crude effigies. In my mind, they were perfectly suitable replacements, and I considered my collection complete. I also played in a refrigerator box for fun.

So here’s World 1…Board 1. Did they call the levels ‘boards’? I’m sure I got that terminology from somewhere, but I honestly can’t say it’s from the game. We’ll roll with it, so I don’t look too ignorant. You know otherwise at this point, but let’s keep such matter from the public.

Apparently the original art mixed artist renderings with pixelated gameplay screenshots. The result is a mashup of wildly different styles and proportions. That giant golden coin must have been worth at least a new life for Mario. It had his profile on it and everything. The baddies don’t seem to appreciate it through and weren’t afraid to show it. Koopas show an aura of disdain, while the baby Goombas just feel down on life, resorting to futile attempts at kicking mystery boxes in hopes of treasures that will never come.

Now we enter Ancient Egypt, and I abandon the usage of Worlds and Boards for the time being. I chalk this up to not having any clue which level theme went in which order, but I suppose no one did before release. It was anyone’s guess what motif would be in the final game, so perhaps McDonalds just took a few liberties that I could never fact-check, even to this day.

Egypt is a hotbed of Goombas, and Raccoon Mario makes quick work of them with his bushy tail, smacking them around like children at a breakdancing competition. Boomerang Koopa is off in the corner trying to score a cheap shot, but the flying turtle above knows that it will never connect.

Mario breezes through and gives one last mushroom brain damage before moving on. The one on the bottom knows he’s next after witnessing the massacre of his brethren. Now he’s stuck on a world without definition, only grainy CRT pixels making up the broken blocks of the once-great pyramids.

The next board is a bit of a blank slate, but I promise it will pay off. See, there’s a pipe in the end that will lead to something much better; we just need to get past the latest round of foes. Goombas with wings? Craziness! The Koopas pose a greater threat as well. The one with a pink shell certainly has ill intentions and is posed to grab his trousers, intent on violating all that is decent. Quick Mario, get through the pipe. I know the wind-up bomb might be threatening, but there’s a delay on the fuse. Only those left behind will be liberated from their limbs.

Ah hah! At last we reach the plight of Princess Peach. I think it’s Peach. I can never get the names right. Like with Bowser: is that his name, or is it King Koopa…or is that just his title, so both are correct? Mario dons his protective gear despite having the sole arsenal of weaponry, knocking his enemies silly. They’re none too pleased as usual, and the bomb is probably going to have the last laugh. That was a bit of an oversight on Mario’s part.

The princess’s pleading belies her earlier feminist nagging, since that flies out the window in times of turmoil. Once a piranha plant nips you in the nethers, many world views go out the window. The question now is: will Mario save her?!

I suppose in a technical sense. She’s free from the plant-based violation, but fell victim to the arbitrary pixilation afflicting many of the world’s inhabitants. Mario may have be the liberator, but he has little time for his prize, since Bros come before Hoes, and Luigi swings in on a giant vine. Mario upgrades to a full Raccoon suit, which puzzles me why there are two version of the same thing. The enemies multiply in full force in response, so now there’s spiked raspberries, toothed ball & chains, and some nerdy turtle that couldn’t be bothered to get here on time earlier.

At least one of the Koopas knows that their luck is up, and has slipped out of sanity, forever destined to exist only within his mind. Bowser (or King Koopa) decides to make an appearance, fully aware that Mario and Luigi are content to joyride around the castle on vines and in flight. The citizens of his kingdom are merely fodder for the brothers’ holocaust, and he breaks the forth wall to wink at us. Peach (er… wait maybe it’s Daisy), notices this change in the air, stealing a nervous glance his way. Tonight has no happy ending. Not for our crew of characters, and not for fourth grade me in 1990, who would eventually play SBM3, but never get past World 1-2…ever.