Roaring Valentines

Happy Valentine’s Day, or happy cheaper candy day, or happy ‘I survived another year’ day, or happy ‘I’m dying alone’ day. Whatever you celebrate, I’m here to rush out an article in the next few minutes before I need to get out the door. Life has been complicated lately, to say the least, but more in a hopeful way finally. Still gives me precious little time for things like this, but I’m trying.

Below are scans from my archive of Valentine’s given to my grandmother and great-grandmother. They range from 1924-1929, and the earlier batch is around 1915. I’m all out of witty things to expound upon for each and every, so expect a lighter fare, but you should be out buying flowers anyway, so I’ll write fast, and you read fast. Deal?

We start off innocent enough. The girl has a bouquet of hearts, which was a lucky find. I'm guessing those flowers are now extinct. Despite this rare find, he laments his lack of references before asking for one of the hearts back. Will she part with her newly acquired stash? It's been a hundred years, so more research is needed.

Boy #2 is faced with another dilemma. He doesn't need a heart, but he might need back surgery after touting his affection on the Cupid Express. She's not just his love, but his 'load.' Take note when the next girl catches your fancy, as this term of endearment can't fail.

Our third suitor plays it safe and goes for the long-distance relationship. Short-wave radio is all the rage with the kids these days, so rather than buying chocolate and flowers, he's phoning it in. Actually, there's not even a microphone, so he can only receive. Maybe he's just eavesdropping on the unencrypted transmissions. What a dog.

This one is sweet. Forget the boys, let's just joyride—us girls. Can you drive? No! We're going to die!

Oh, holy terrifying! Our innocent soul only wanted someone dear to her heart who has a sense of humor. But then the clown shows up, and this can only end up on forensic files later. Except all crimes were unsolvable until the 1930s at the earliest, so little Sally will never be found.

I have little to say for this one, except it's adorable. Unless, of course, the short tail is a mishap of violence and abuse. In that case, I'll adopt the puppy once I get my time machine.

Maybe the cat did it? I don't want to automatically assign blame, but that 'Cat' pun is unforgivable. Abuse can only be the next logical step.

Strike that. This broad is the cause of all our trouble. 'Heart-istic?' You shall draw my heart exactly; I don't want interpretation.

It's Mr. Long-distance again. I guess he finally found a way to communicate. Yes, the phone is far better than the radio for these purposes, but I believe that was a shared line too, so perhaps he's trolling in addition to his voyeuristic perversions.

Tee-hee, they said 'gay.'

This one makes me uncomfortable. The crazy-eyed ginger with flirtatious undergarments isn't quite sure if she likes me. Somehow I don't think it's my choice in the end, which makes it so much worse.

Kudos to this next person. He threw down commercialism by making his own card out of construction paper. He needed to have a bit more confidence, though, and not just take the easy way out by signing his name 'Guess.' We believe in you. Own up to it!

I see complex cards that fold out into mini-dioramas, and they apparently aren't anything new. It was with great trepidation that I gingerly unfolded this for the photo, but it went right back into its protective envelope soon after.

This bonus card was a little less anxiety-inducing. A spinning wheel on the back can rotate between four different faces. They range between 'maybe,' 'definitely,' 'the jury's out,' and 'I'm throwing the toaster in the bathtub tonight.'

The following were meant for my great-grandmother. I like the shift in style, even if these characters' heads are frankly unnerving. A plea is definitely needed to overcome the sheer shock.

And so we end on something that feels like a holdover from the Victorian era and certainly a time when kidsy stuff hadn't overtaken the holiday. These are the words we'd see on a TMNT card, for sure.

Okay, shut the browser down and go buy something for your near and dear. Or buy something for yourself. It's a three-day weekend. Enjoy it!