Patriotic Energy

Growing up, I looked back on photos of the bicentennial, which I had missed by a few years. While there's a chance I can catch the tricentennial while I'm rotting in my own skin, it hadn't occurred to me that a quarter-millennium celebration would be well within my lifetime. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to occur to many others either.

I was able to assist with some historical society projects, such as transcribing the town meeting notes around the time of the Revolution, but one would expect groups like that to take the occasion a bit more seriously. I had thought about writing about the top moments from that collection, but I'm short on time, and I feel like the topic would only be mildly interesting to a very few.

Visions of town squares filled with straw-hat children waiving streamers and sparklers don't seem likely. We all work three jobs to afford less than prior generations could pull off with one. We know fewer and fewer of our neighbours and townsfolk, so maybe a parade is all we could hope for.

But not all is lost. In the doubt, a dark horse appears, ready to salvage a hopeless situation and bring some patriotism back. Enter: Corporate America!

We start off with the clear winner in the non-energy drink category. True, it wins by default, but had we any contenders, it would beat them all by a mile (not kilometer). The iconic polarbear donned a tricorne hat and a sabre, ready to fight to the death over a 3% tax. The irony is not lost that I spent 6.25% tax to buy this bottle, plus deposit, but it gives me some life goals and inspiration.

Taste-wise, I like it. As far as seltzers go, it's up there among the best. A tea-flavour as expected, but subtle enough to not become overbearing. (Ugh, I didn't mean that pun. Please disregard.)

It's water. What can I say? Well, a LOT! But I Won't!

There are a few things in its favour, though. I'm glad that the water in Made in the USA. I'm not sure how water is made, but I'm glad it's sourced here and not shipped from across the sea from hostile lands. It also has a reusable metal container, which I highly appreciate. As I try to avoid both plastic and waste, this checks off both boxes.

This is one of those brands that I see quite often but usually pass by out of preference for the more established options. But when I saw old glory and the Made in USA (and a bit of padding for this sad write-up), it was a no-brainer.

Is it any good? Not terribly. It has that syrupy aftertaste that the off-brands tend to have. Cherry, Lemon, and Blueberry would be a decent combo in theory, but it ends up melding into something nondescript. Least it's low-calorie.

Bang is one I've had before, and while not a usual first choice, it's not like I never get them. This was the tipping point where I figured I could have enough options to whip up something for the site. It has the usual 'Made in USA', '18+' warnings that will frazzle Joe Lieberman, and a simple American Berry flavor. Need we explain what berries? No, the war of independence closed the case on further questioning. Take your concerns to the Queen… er King I guess now.

We land on the clear winner, and how could it not be? This one passes by leaps and bounds, being one I've stocked up on and likely bought dozens of by now. Red, White, and Blue Razz doesn't really give us an indication of flavour, but the Ultra moniker implies that it's in the citrusy family, and that appears to hold true.

In addition to an escalation of palatable taste, the graphic design has improved with each can. I know they're all lined with plastic that will settle in my brain, but someone with a sense of colour balance had their hands on this. I'm sure they didn't get paid more than their going wages, but they have my appreciation.

Well, that's all I have for this year. Stay cool, both in terms of beating the heat and by wearing garish board shorts with gnarly patterns on them. Enjoy summer before I bore you with Halloween nonstop for four months.