Spooky Drinks 2026

Sad as it is to say, but this will be the last year of drink reviews. 2027 will be the year without plastic, and since aluminum cans have plastic for some reason, they need to go. On the more fortunate side of things, companies have been going the sugar-free path lately, so while I'm still consuming and storing microplastics with my spinal column, I at least can at least follow through with my reduced sugar attempts of current year.

Let's see what we got for the swansong.

Alani Witch's Brew

As part of my recent house cleaning, I boxed up all the collectable sodas, so any imminent articles related to them, as promised in the very first one, are going to be shelved for the time being. This includes the past releases of Witch's Brew by Alani.

As always, it's a caramel apple flavour—so nothing new to get excited about—but a plus if you like consistency and look forward to the annual release each season. I'm relatively sure that that art design changes each year, but based on the point made in the initial paragraph, we'll never know for sure. I suppose there's photographic evidence in some old articles and in the countdown, but if I can't be bothered to confirm, then I don't suppose yous all will be up for the task.

Rating:

(3 magic witches)

Nello Energy Apple Rush

Heading into something new (to me anyway) is another apple entry, this time by Nello Energy. I want to read it as Hello Energy, but no one's greeted me with such warmth in decades, so I can't imagine it will begin now.

This one was on the better end of things. The candy apple tasted as it should but wasn't syrupy like what I imagine a full-fledged sugar drink to be but also didn't have a funny diet taste either. Happy mediums are what it's all about, and if it wasn't like $3 a can and a 30-minute drive to Target, I'd buy more of them.

Rating:

(4 green apples)

Unwell Apple Cider Donut

Then the coin flips, and we have the Unwell brand. I didn't want the naming convention to play with my perception, but it didn't really need to. Now, granted the flavor did line up with what it promised. The problem is that the flavor lined up with what it promised. Apples in their caramel and candy alter-egos are fine and nice, but once you add something bready into the mix, it best be in some actual bread, or else it's going to be a chore to finish.

And finish is something I didn't do. Think of the monkeybread someone brings to the festive work party, only to sit uneaten until it's thrown away. That's what happened here.

Rating:

(1 pixelated bag)

Fanta Monsters

These are going to be a hard write-up. I picked them up because they were plentiful and fit the bill—I figured they would be appropriate fodder for the remainder of the article. But more problems arise: A) they're full of HFCS, and that's a no-go, and 2) it doesn't matter if they weren't, since they're the same usual flavours, just with different labels.

I believe they also read my article last year, in which I mangled the character names on each. Not because I was doing so ironically for laughs like in the countdown, but genuinely since I can't keep my head straight with the chaos of my life. They took note and only gave us one licensed character with the Scream Ghost, which also got its own flavor: fruit punch. It's a bit humorous since Ghost Face Punch implies that he's going around bopping people in the face like their Snooki, when I believe he used a knife. Then again, what do I know? Maybe he does use his fists in the thirteen sequels and reboots.

And also like last year, the final flavor is a fountain drink exclusive. I hope a bonus was awarded to the middle manager who thought of that idea. Slap some artwork on the promo images, and then you never have to actually change a label at any point. It's like a crypto-scam with diabetes.

I'm not sure who the guy on the pineapple drink is. A vampire from the looks of it, but it could be Twilight or Lost Boys for all I know. Probably both since the Scream Ghost chewed up the budget, leaving us with generic pumpkin scarecrow, metro vamp, and a podcasting werewolf.

Rating:

(3 retarded monsters)

5-Hour Energy Scary Sweet Mocktails

I'll have to stretch the writing just a little longer, since I'm employing my trusted tactic of "not actually buying something, but rather just taking a picture of the item in the store while the cashier looks at me with violent disapproval." ^TM

I made the mistake of reducing the image size for the article's formatting and then forgetting to save the original, so I can't quite read all the flavors. I'm assuming nothing was created anew for this, and they're rebranding of existing options. I think we have Creepy Candy, Ghoulish Grape, Fright-fetti, Candy Embryo, and then more Ghoulish Grape, since we all know that the masses line up for their faux grape flavoring to remind them of being sick on a perfectly good weekend.

They're billed as mocktails, but that seems somewhat dangerous, since few are going to make a Shirley Temple out of them. No, they'll go right for the hard stuff, and then the EU will have to pass more laws and chastise the US for not doing the same.

Rating:

(2 yiffy moons)

Bloom Pear Scare

The final entry, and I've saved the best for last, because that's generally how you structure these things. Bloom has flown under the radar, joining the likes of Alani, Phorm, and Alani. I was told to get the Halloween-ish edition for a while, but I was stubbornly holding onto the July 4th Monster while it lasted. I believe they may last until the tricentennial, given the leftover stock still sitting around, so I finally gave Pear Scare a try.

And now I regret not getting in on the action sooner. Pear is one of those juices that end up in most drinks as a filler, although they must strip the flavor out with acetone or formaldehyde since you don't often taste it. But when you do, you can be sure that flavor is artificial—such is our world these days ^TM.

My other regret, aside from stocking up, is that I couldn't get my hands on the string lights of ghost pears that I saw decorating the free-standing display in some random gas station. I've not seen them elsewhere, but they must be a promotional option. I've checked the 'Bay, but no dice as of yet. I'll just have to finally settle for getting the Marlboro Camel lights this year, finally.

Rating:

(5 mice ghosts)

That's all for now. Maybe I'll get another up before Halloween. It does seem to be coming fast this year, no?

Also keep reading the 2026 Countdown or I will cry, and no one wants to see that.

And visit the Horror Gif Necronomicon since I lifted some graphics from them.