Well morgin says I waste my time buying zombie movies on eBay, but little does he know, if Zombies attack I will know what to do. So now I will share the wealth of knowledge so you too will be able to defeat the hordes of zombies and demons that you may encounter on any given day. This also may work on some schoolteachers, but only the weird ones.


Defending Yourself


-Shoot them in the head. While stabbing, shooting other regions, or hitting them really hard can sometimes work; headshots usually are the way to go. You can also distract them with a pail of blood and then set them on fire. (Zombie Lake)


-If you see a group of dead birds lying in the street, don’t stop to move them, as they will come alive briefly to bite your head and then re-die, but will cause you to become a zombie and attack your girlfriend. (Zombi3)


-You don’t *have* to stand around like an idiot while zombies attack you, you can kick their butt if you so choose. It’s been proven. (Zombi3, After Death)


Corollary: Having your hands in your pockets is even worse (Burial Ground)


-If you receive the news that zombies have escaped at your lab, leave your wife at home. (Zombie)


-When a zombie walks out in front of you car as your escaping, don’t swerve into a tree. (Zombie)


-If you shoot a zombie into the water with a gun, try to retrieve it. Don’t assume that everything’s fine now. (Zombie)


-Two civilians with rifles can take on a dozen marines with m16’s, while in a clearing on lower ground. (Zombi3)


Your friends and family


-If your friend is bitten by a zombie and in turn becomes one, don’t just stand there as if he were still aware. He/she’s not; you all know this.


-If a friend is bitten on the arm, and is still conscious, don’t let him keep his rifle to his death. He’ll shoot you. (After Death)


-Zombies are horny. (Burial Ground)


-Don’t try to feel up your mom, as she will slap you, and you’ll get eaten by a zombie. (Burial Ground)


-A nazi zombie and the daughter he never knew will have a sentimental reunion and will protect her from the other evil zombies. (Zombie Lake)


-If you’re the director’s daughter, you’ll survive despite there not being any logic behind it. (Demons 2)


What Zombies Can Do:


-Zombies have very little consistency; some can sprint, sword-fight and do kungfu, while others shamble along. (After Death, Zombi3)


-Zombies sometimes hide in hay in order to thwart your attempt at a helicopter escape. (Zombi3)


-Zombies may be tough, but they prepare you for other evils like the government. (Zombi3)


-Zombies can fight sharks underwater, and even bite them. (Zombie)


-Zombies, who were formerly Spanish Missionaries 400 years ago, will not have decomposed at all. (Zombie)


-Zombies can talk if they are/were a main character.(After Death, Zombi3)


-The time it takes to be zombified after being bitten can range from 10 seconds to several hours.


Demons and other creatures:


-Demons have the ability to jump out of TV screens from a pre-recorded made-for-television movie, and further kill off almost everyone in the building. (Demons 2)


-If a smooth-talking worm gives you hallucinogenic blue drugs injected directly into your brain, he’s just doing so to make you kill people for their brains. (Brain Damage)


Corollary 1: Old people will kill you to get that worm back.


Corollary 2: The worm will then kill them and give you a lethal dose of the blue drug causing your head to fall apart and shine a spotlight out of it.


Misc. Info:


-If you’re a whiney kid, you probably won’t die…. unfortunately. (House by the Cemetery)


-When you hear xylophones playing backwards, you know you’re in trouble. (Burial Ground)


-Even if you escape the confined area you’re in that is infested with zombies, the whole world will have been overrun by then. (Zombi3)


-Voodoo usually is present during zombie awakenings but is never a direct part of it. (Zombie, After Death)


-Just ask a vacationing couple to blindly set out towards an unknown, unmapped island, and they’ll gladly help you. (Zombie)


Corollary 1: You run into that island too, just by going straight.


Corollary 2: But it will be overrun by zombies.



12-year-old autistic boys: (The Pit)


-Like girl bikes


-Have Teddy Bears that give better advice than they could think up themselves.


-Will decide some mysterious creatures will suddenly need to eat every day even after millions of years of living in a pit alone.


-Can get people to walk and/or jump blindly into the pit to get eaten.


-Will drop a rope down the pit so the creatures can feed for themselves.