The Stupid Karate Kid 111:
Cast: in order of appearance
Drunk --- Tim O’Malley
Twitcher 1 --- Dann Thombs
Twitcher 2 --- Mary E. O’Malley
Guard --- Tim O’Malley
The Snake --- Mike O’Malley
Chinese Master --- Dann Thombs
Evil Guy --- John Heins
Client --- Dann Thombs
Mentos Guy --- Chris Thombs
Mentos Viewer --- Dann Thombs
Mentos Singer --- Amy Thombs
Aunt Helga --- Dann Thombs
Her Niece Katie --- Amy Thombs
Hooded Guy --- Dann Thombs
Spy --- Amy Thombs
Karate Kid’s Helper --- John Heins
Channel 1 News Guy --- John Heins
The Smothers Brothers --- Dann, Chris Thombs
Morgan Fairchild --- Amy Thombs
Patricio --- Dann Thombs
The Spice Boys
Boy Spice --- Amy Thombs
China Spice --- Eric Mahoney
Vanilla Spice --- Darren Mahoney
Tiger Spice --- Brendan Mahoney
Patricio Spice --- Dann Thombs
Silver Alien --- John Heins
News Anchor --- Dann Thombs
Reporter --- Chris Thombs
Doctor --- Chris Thombs
Nurse --- Amy Thombs
Patient --- Dann Thombs
Rat (voice) --- Dann Thombs
Characters:
The Stupid Karate Kid – The main character; he is a person skilled in Toe-fu, and ready to kick some evil derriere.
The Snake – The second main character; he is here, there, and never leaves.
Chinese Master – Highly skilled partial arts guy person; he trains the Stupid Karate Kid for the glory of his Dojo.
Karate Kid’s Helper – Not even the Karate Kid himself can solve every situation. The helper is here to help.
Silver Alien – The evil villain; what story would be complete without the evil guy there to mess things up.
Summary:
The movie starts out with the Stupid Karate Kid being thrown into an insane asylum. “I don’t belong here!” he says, but his only return is “That’s what they all say.” He manages to escape by walking out the front door, and leaving with his master who coincidentally works there, but not before befriending a snake, who smells like a sofa and can talk, but later disappears.
After that ordeal, they break to a fund-raiser and head bang to “Enough.” A few commercials follow this, including Barbie’s anorexic meal, and another hype for the Stupid Karate Kid movie, giving it three thumbs up.
Now on to the movie, an evil guy, played by easily available John Heins, is walking around a dark gloomy attic. He spots the Stupid Karate Kid, and begins battle. And what a battle it is. First the Karate Kid, who performs his own stunts, rolls into a coffin, wrestles, then has his head punched off. Immediately following, his skulls is ripped out, swallows it back in, eats poison food, dies, head gets ripped off, head gets ripped off again, and finds head. End scene.
The phone rings. The Karate Kid picks it up. A voice, possibly a client, says, “Meet me at my house.” No directions are given, but the Karate Kid finds it. The client wants the Kid to sneak into Bill Gates house, and steal a computer game, easy enough.
A commercial break follows. This time Stevie Wonder played by the well-endowed Dann Thombs, and a gifted Amy Thombs, dance to familiar Holiday tunes. Chris Thombs makes a guest appearance and rocks the joint, a.k.a. Xander style. Mentos Freshos and an ad for the Stupid Karate Kid 3 sound track are then displayed.
The Kid dresses up and gets ready for the search. He enters the house and sneaks past an aging midget Aunt Helga and her niece Katie. The Kid makes it the room where the game is stored. With a GK remix in the background, this scene is very intense, while he is searching and finding the game. Now that the game is found, the Kid is paid, and well too. Then in the next scene, a mysterious silver alien walks by two Japanese guy in a bathroom. Could this be a major character in the future?
Training time; the Karate Kid starts to punch bags, hooded people and lift weights. Then the evil guy come and starts fighting. Luckily all that training is put to use. He whacks the scrap of wood out of the evil guy’s hand and sends it hurdling toward the audience, making you want to duck in your seat. He grabs the pole that the evil guy is holding, but accidentally hits the hooded man. Oh well, such is the cost of justice. As a great Duke once said, “It order to save the world, a few innocent people have to die.”
Then peril strikes, the Kid is kidnapped in his sleep. Luckily his helper, played by the frolicsome John Heins, is there to help. The master calls the Karate Kid but gets no answer. He then calls up the helper and tells him to go on his mission. The helper takes his weapons and sets out to the muddy hills of Rhode Island. On the scene is channel one news, breaking from the typical el NiZo and covering the one man chase scene from the Stupid Karate Kid 3. After a brief interview, the news reporter gives in to audience demand and goes back to el NiZo coverage. The helper finds the secret cave and enters.
Back to a commercial break featuring the adorable Hobbes, the sophisticated Smothers Brothers, the elegant Morgan Fairchild, and the breath-taking Patricio.
After this short interlude, the Kid finds himself in a strange place. “Where am I?” he asks, “Hee hee, you’re in SPICE WORLD” a voice replies. Then from behind a curtain, out jumps Boy Spice, China Spice, Vanilla Spice, Tiger Spice grrrr, and Patricio Spice. They all beat the Karate kid to a bloody pulp but decide to settle it over tea. This torture never comes, as he wakes in a room with a Silver Alien. The alien informs him that the master caused the Alien to be horribly disfigured, and now the Alien is out for revenge. The Kid’s next torture is to play with a Barbie limo. The helper comes but forgets his mission.
The helper calls up the master, “What is my mission?” “Your mission is to rescue the Stupid Karate Kid,” the master replies. “Oh,” the helper says.
The Kid, back in the torture chamber, falls into a deep sleep dreaming about haunting tunes, dancing ballets, and old men reading to their stuffed animals about Asia. He wakes up to the calls of the helper. The helper gives the Kid supplies, but then the Silver Alien comes in and fights the Karate Kid. The Kid wins and the helper returns anyway to take him away. They arch together as friends.
Aunt Helga reappears with her niece Katie. Katie has come over to sleep but is put to work, cleaning windows, and emptying trash. Hobbes makes a special guest appearance and eats Auntie Helga’s hair.
An el NiZo Channel 5 reports that there have been a series of murderers committing crimes due to the el NiZo. The Kid exclaims, “I’ve got to do something. But then he remembers that his favorite show is on. He then watches a medical show.
What would be complete in a Stupid Karate Kid movie without the Chinese Master theme song. He walks out and crashes around, but then a surprise is thrown in. “The One” from the Escape from LA soundtrack is played; the Master and assistant headbang.
The Karate Kid decides to go into action and begins to build a bomb. A rat jumps into view and tells him that he shouldn’t build it. They leave for a drink and the rat sings a song.
As they are having a snack, they talk about Milano cookies and have a commercial about the cookies. Then there is a commercial about a psychic network and calling collect the right way.
SONGS OF THE MOVIE
Side 1
#1 Gravity Kills - Guilty (Jund Reactor Remix)[6:18]
#2 Silver Chair - Madman [2:41]
#3 Stabbing Westward - Shame [4:53]
#4 Stabbing Westward - What do I have to do? [4:06]
#5 White Zombie – The One [3:59]
#6 Gravity Kills – Enough [4:16]
#7Marilyn Manson – Hidden Track [1:39]
Side 2
#8 The Rock- Jade [2:01]
#9 The Rock-In the Tunnels [8:40]
#10 The Rock- Fort Walton- Kansas [1:37]
#11 Aqua – Barbie Girl [3:16]
#12 Chop Sui [3:53]
#13 Trio - DA DA DA [3:25]
#14 Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun [5:18]
#15 Blur – Song 2 [2:00]
Impressions: Overall thrill ride. Music was excellent as well as the acting.
Rating: A
Rating Scale:
A --- Excellent
B --- Good
C --- Alright
D --- Poopy
E --- Passing but leave me alone
F --- Go away and never come back